Friday, November 19, 2010

Own worst enemy

Do you ever psyche yourself out of stuff? Or are so horribly self critical that you obsess about the most minor details? Do you seek praise from all of those around you? These are new traits of mine, and no matter how hard I try - I can't seem to stop. And it is getting worse.

Logically I can pick it all apart and tell myself to stop being stupid, and then I fall into the cycle of feeling stupid - not because of my original thoughts per se...I'm just reminded that I'm stupid, by the thoughts. At this. Stuff. Smart stuff. See does that make sense? it doesn't because I'm stupid.

So then I talk myself around. You're not stupid. You've got all these other skills that some people just don't have. You're good at....formatting, fetching and organising stuff.

I just feel like it is all a bit beyond me, you know. I live in a world of big thinkers and I'm just a wee little thinker, who is trying to think...about smart stuff. Like them. And I can't quite catch up.

And I'm not sure what or where my place is, well in anything, and I'm unsettled and yuck. It has occurred to me that I use being busy (well I actually am busy) as a way to stop my brain ticking over about the important stuff. The stuff you can't control. The stuff that makes you sad. I'm pretty sad now just thinking about this, so I am confident I've just proven my point.

Kids - I'm going to make myself a deal. I'm going to stay keeping busy until the end of the year. And then I'll be brave and face it all head on.

PS - this post made my computer crash and I made a deal. If content was saved I'd post it. If not happy to keep it all between me and the mac. Turns out the universe wants me to unburden, sorry about that ♥

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