Heart breaks

I'm writing this to you as you sleep - light little breathes with your paws running in your dreams. I've dreaded this moment. It's been a week of lasts. The last Sunday night you will get a gentle goodbye and your ears scratched. The last dinner, the last night you'll sleep in the tiny hallway and then, sometime tomorrow, the last time you will lick my tear stained faced.

I can tell you now that I've never cried so much in my life, and there have been some very cry-able moments - but the difference is that you have always been there. Always. 

I spoke of this over the phone lines to a world away and we talked in sadness and fondness about you and there was more crying. It is funny how things turn full circle. It wasn't so long ago that you and I would walk down big boulevards in Canberra and I couldn't stop the tears and you would look up at me worried. Such a sensitive dog you always hated it when I cried. How we both missed him then and now he and I cry together because we are going to miss you. Did you know that polaroid photo of your first winter in Canberra, with snow falling around you in Barrallier Street? That photo sits beside his bed in a big city in Pakistan. I didn't know that, but it's something good to know. I can picture that photo so clearly even though I haven't seen it in years and I can picture you. Just shy of being a grown puppy, all lean and slight with big bright eyes and big fluffy snow drops floating through the sky. Just like yesterday.

But then there is today and I'm surprised at our good fortune that you and I have someone so generous and kind hearted to see this thing out. What a bloody brave soul and I'll never forget this, because in my mind, it is probably the nicest thing a person could do for you and I (that and buying you premium chicken breast and devon).

And you should know I've been quietly telling those who you love about this, which is why each of the gypsy girls said goodbye in sadness this week. The best person we know from Dubbo has been checking in too, she likes to know how you are going - but to be honest I think she is more worried about me. And that's nice too. Then the phone call with lots of tears from the big sand pit of Dubai. If anyone was to be in this house tonight it would be her, just because we could cry together all night and it wouldn't matter. So many other people have sent the nicest messages and have asked me to tell you they love you. And I have told you that each and every time.

What will I miss? The pitter patter of your feet clipping the floorboards, they way you look back at me whenever I open the door for you to go outside, the clinking noise your tag makes on the water bowl as you drink, that every morning you still walk to my side of the bed to see that I'm there. I will miss your beautiful spots, the way you always look to me, your snoring, and that even though you are tired and old - when you see my for the first time in hours you wag your tail in happiness and bound towards me. Lets face it. I will miss every single thing about you. So many other people will miss you too.

We are the very best of friends and I would do anything for you - which is why I am doing this. And by the time this is read, it will all have been done.

Love you forever B Dog Xx